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About last week.
We can’t all “bloom where [we’re] planted.” Fuck that.
About last week.
October was a difficult one, and the blanks in my diaries can attest to that. Depression—and anxiety and (especially) insomnia and fraught emptiness—hit, still hitting, me hard. No room for writing or making, just teeth-gritting survival of the days as they come. The blanks here chafe—nothing-spaces where the Black Dog pooled, settled, settled in.
About last week.
The Gospel According to the Sasha Martinezes of the Past, Present, and the Probable Future—has, finally, after nine and a half months, found a home.
The last sentence of a Children’s Britannica entry on Vincent van Gogh.
Here are my September diaries. People have asked me why I’m so leery of blank spaces. It’s where the Black Dog burrows, see. It’s a day that I couldn’t get up, couldn’t do things that are intrinsic to my soul—writing, making art, navel-gazing while writing and making art. The blanks signify that the mean reds and the vicious purples have won for that day, and I’m left victim to their currents. This is why I’m keeping a diary devotedly: It’s a safe space, it’s a weapon, it’s a reassurance.
Can’t and Won’t: Some blank spaces. I don’t know if it’s anhedonia, the stifled and deadened compulsion to make art, or something more mundane in that I’m at home in my no-blank-spaces-thank-goodness diaries—but my Traveler’s Notebook has been largely ignored. These are but glances at the empty spaces that make me feel defeated. I begin, then falter. I don’t know if I should try again this week or to let it go.
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